Writing Challenge - Day 16

Yesterday I decided upon a new writing challenge to follow the completion of this one on Day 21.  My next challenge will be the creation of a Codex Vitae ("Book of Life") similar to this one.  Another one gives some background on the origins of the concept.

I'm not sure if I'll publish the building blocks of my CV (it's just too close to the shorthand for Curriculum Vitae, I just can't) Codex piece by piece here as I've done with each day of this 21-day writing challenge or if I'll just keep it all in another place like GitHub that's made for change.  When I start working on my Codex, this blog may resume its usual neglected status, but I'd like to think I'll make an effort to leave a trail breadcrumbs for readers to find whatever tiny corner of the Internet I'm littering with my words at the moment.

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I'm thinking about vulnerability again, this time in conjunction with the concepts of strength, weakness, acknowledgement and denial.  Reading a portion of Brené Brown's Daring Greatly is what got me going on this, and all that's here is really just a summation of my opinion on: vulnerability denied (or simply unacknowledged) is weakness; vulnerability acknowledged is strength.  Acknowledging my vulnerability is something I'm kind of fanatical about doing -- which I sincerely hope is apparent in my writing.  To be fully seen by those willing to see me is one of my greatest desires.  It's what feels like living, richly and authentically.

Writing Challenge - Day 15

This season I've seen more human flakes than snowflakes.  They've fallen under the curious powers of "can't drive in freezing rain", "sick kid", "busted washer at home", "work thing" and sometimes absolutely no words at all.  And for as much as I dislike flakiness, today I was guilty of it.

I could try to pass it off as karmic flakiness, but that doesn't seem fair.  After saying just yesterday that I was excited about a happy hour tonight -- and I was genuinely excited then -- I let myself get so super deep into job search stuff that less than an hour before the event I still hadn't stopped to eat anything since breakfast and I still was in the middle of making applications.  Rather than manage my time and work to be sure I went out and enjoyed the event, I got mired in it to the detriment of self-care and healthy socialization.

The way that it all unfolded is no surprise to me, really.  With a plan of a midday hike broken by "sick kid", I resolved to turn the busted plan into greater opportunity for job search productivity.  I just took it too far; dug in too deep.

Perhaps the ugliest part is that I don't fully regret cancelling my happy hour plans.  The decision has caused a bit of a flare up in my chronic FOMO, as I'm sure it would have been a good time -- and one that won't come around again for another month or more.  But when I cancelled it felt like a relief to not worry about rushing to go out, spending money I ought not spend, and not finishing what I'm sure I would have told myself that I ought to have finished.

My own hypocrisy humbles my otherwise vitriolic view of flakiness.

Writing Challenge - Day 14

It's strange that I can speak of sudden, unexpected unemployment like a gift, laugh and see the joy and hope in it, yet I do.  It feels refreshing in a way -- a clean slate.  I could choose to freak out and fear financial ruin, but so far I'm doing what I need to get by and doing a good bit of contemplation.

It hasn't always come this easy, but as I look back, it has gotten easier over time.  The first job I ever lost hit me hard.  It was a tough lesson to learn that it isn't wise to let two co-workers decide between the two of them which of them will take the shift you want to give up.  Another was rough because the employer fought my claim for unemployment benefits after laying me off -- way to keep it classy MCI.  The first layoff during my professional software development years got under my skin, but with unemployment benefits and a healthy savings account it turned into a nice opportunity to put all my efforts behind completing grad school.

Now I'm facing this stint with no cash foundation to speak of and I'm still pretty much smiling and laughing about it all.  Here's my chance to prove to myself that I can live on less -- something that I've been inspired to do (but not really motivated enough to do) ever since reading the book, Early Retirement Extreme.  And even bigger, I'm seeing this as a golden ticket to building the coaching practice I've been dreaming about.

More about that is coming in the days, weeks and months ahead.

Writing Challenge - Day 13

In a familiar place, I got excited, hopeful, courageous, fearlessly vulnerable.  Precariously poised it took little to throw me off, and I was thrown.  So fragile and raw, summoning every scrap of protection to build a guard, turn inward, and heal.

Yet for as much as I grasp for retreat and healing, I still so deeply value everything that brought me to the precipice from which I fell.  The thought of turning away from it brings the painful ache of a deep chill.  I long for the strength to boldly venture back; to ignore the well-meaning "If only you hadn't..." admonitions that rain down, washing over me and hoping to keep me safe.

I want to relish the heat of vulnerability, feel every bit of my fear and venture forth despite it.  I yearn to sit with the uncertainty of extending trust not fully earned.  Abundant is how I crave to view the world.

There's work to do to get back to the precipice where I can stand, laughing gleefully and defiantly into the wind.  Compassionate nurturing cannot be skipped-over on the path back up.  Through it is the only way there.

So I call upon patience and love, to carry me up, strengthening and emboldening me with every step, living freer and more fully as I go.

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Into the past I plan to peer
Unsure of what I'll see
Curious to know what I'll feel

Will there be a song
Playing in the background
Shuffling feet on cafeteria floors

A whole wide world ahead
And none could know
How it would all be

Writing Challenge - Day 12

Musings on Let Love In
(debut EP from Green River Junction)

Let Love In:
Your song is a seduction of the romantic.  They'll flock to you and you'll create something beautiful together.
What does he understand about love?  I want to know.
I know this...what this is like to want to Let Love In. Just one more time, can't we?  It's always so right.
So deeply I want to see him Let Love In, no matter what that love is or what letting it in looks like -- making music, spreading his words and sound out to the world, loving and devoting himself to family, whatever that heart desires.
I see a big, pure and sweet heart.  I see glimmers of its amazing capacity.  I see its protective barriers, and feel those barriers sometimes, too.  When those barriers aren't protecting that sweet heart from me I am astounded and thrilled by its purity, compassion and courage.

If You Wanna Wake Up:
"gotta never lose your way" -- I disagree.  "Always know you made the right choice" -- I disagree.  "People don't change"  -- I disagree.

My Own Way:
"No one wants to hear 'bout my suffering"  Don't let your fear lie to you like that.  Share that suffering; let me help you with your load.
This needs video.  I would love to hear it in the soundtrack to a feature film.  I can envision it accompanying a scene depicting someone dragging themselves out of bed to pick up workboots and leave the house and the track over it picking up around "pick up my own shoes, find my own way" through the chorus.  I hear chorus following this over a trailer or a flashback scene.  The last verse, "Set out to find your own way..." through to the end belongs over a scene of the workboot-wearer driving.

Mr. Bluebird:
"your dance is just for me"..."your sweet song is for me" -- I hear longing, a longing to belong, a longing to be recognized and regarded.  This bumps up next to fear in me, fear that you won't find that sense of belonging, recognition or regard you're longing for in me.  I don't need, want, expect or hope to fulfill completely all of these needs you long for, but I see the tragedy in being unable to find any of this in me.  It's all here if you can let it in, and it's available in a way that leaves you open to receiving it from all others who offer it as well.

I'll See You In Boston:
It is a love song.  Maybe not a love song for a person, but a love song for a city and an experience in it.
Listening to the last part of the song I can envision myself dancing with a date at a live performance and telling them I'm fantasizing about dancing with the singer.
"meant to be" -- The fatalism in this phrase is scary to me, it's a phrase we so often use to deny and downplay desire and the impact it can and does have in our lives.

Writing Challenge - Day 11

An opportunity might be shaping up for me to write a health and fitness book.  Already a concept is forming for a brand new diet plan that has proven results!  Of course, my diet might not hit it as big as other fad diets -- I don't know if I can make it sound as glamorous as the South Beach diet or as primal as Paleo.  But at least it's based on some pretty appealing foundations like stress reduction and eating delicious food.

In not even two weeks on this diet I've already dropped 4 pounds.  The best part of it is that the weight loss has been effortless!  So effortless even that I didn't even realize that I was on an effective diet until I stepped on my bathroom scale today.  Now there's gotta be broad appeal in that!

So far it seems that the real tough spot in selling this new diet is what's required for setting up conditions for maximum effect.  Maybe other folks could find some success in setting up the conditions for maximum effectiveness without going as far as putting themselves in the exact same situation that created the conditions for me.  I'll leave that for others to explore when I make the secrets of my diet success available under open source licensing.

Until then, and until I write my bestseller, I'm going to stick with the diet as long as I can and kick around working titles for the book that have a little more sexiness to them than The Unemployment Diet.

Writing Challenge - Day 10

Running on nothing but a nap, feeling nightfall like a shroud, I'm pushing on through thick and heavy thoughts and lazy eyes barely capable of focusing.  How did I manage to make it this far?  And come out of a seminar feeling energized and motivated despite a deep need for caffeine?  Did I really pull off coherent notes and subtly complex meta-learning with my weary brain?

Is that icon animated or am I beginning to hallucinate?  It didn't move that much.  I gotta be seeing things.  Some say that after hallucinogenic trips they feel something like enlightenment for days after.  With how much I'm craving sleep, I can see how waking up after about 10 hours worth after this substance-free trip might lead to a sensation like that.  Pure Bliss!

In the last moments of my yesterday (today) I found my BFF tagging in -- he rising to fight another day while I was crawling, beaten, toward my corner for much needed respite.  The sounds of the alarms scarcely two hundred minutes later dragged me toward decision.  Forego the seminar as I'd warned at dawn that I might?  Snooze the alarm and see what happens next?  That's a hell of a thing to face in the first moments of consciousness!  Remind me, why does anything happen before noon again?  Sheer ridiculosity.

Thankful for the jolt of enthusiasm instilled in me by a eye-opening presentation on how to better market yourself for government work, my next major decision of the day was to take on a very charitably offered second chance to make a first technical impression.  ...After coffee, that is.

Although I didn't nail the bullseye on Take 2, I felt good about my decision to approach it naturally rather than toss out a heaping helping of copy pasta from the code I cooked up throughout the night.  After I showed significant improvement over the dismal failure of Take 1, I slipped breadcrumbs leading to my recipe into the 'Thank you' note for the gracious giver of my do-over.  Can't let it go to waste, right?

I hope they like my dish, but I might say that the best thing to come out of it was my discovery of .NET Fiddle and a chance to really get into tackling a moderately challenging problem using a slightly lesser-used language.  More sources of motivation, yay!  Here's to hoping that motivation allows me to keep from falling asleep into my dinner plate.