Violent Communication & Self-Empathy

Yesterday I received a text message to which I immediately responded aloud, "Suffer".  I was surprised by my reaction. All week I'd been recognizing a diminished capacity for empathy so it wasn't terribly surprising that my reaction was violent. What I was surprised by was exactly how violent my reaction was.

For a moment I felt bad about how I'd reacted. Over the past few months I've learned to see feeling bad about myself and/or my actions as a signal that I might be better served by checking in with myself to understand what I was feeling & needing when I reacted as I did, and to understand the intent behind my action more fully. In other words, it was a red flag that it was time for self-empathy.  Looking back at it now I see the irony in the situation. By judging my reaction as bad, it was *me* who suffered!

The first question I asked myself when I began to dig into this was whether my intent truly was for the message sender to suffer.  The sender is someone I love deeply.  Why would I want someone I love to suffer?  I was displeased to find that I did indeed intend for the sender to suffer. Though in digging deeper still, I found that I was wanting the sender to suffer only something very specific, and wanting him to suffer this specific thing for a specific purpose.

I discovered that I was wanting the sender to experience discomfort stimulated by being asked about my whereabouts, just as I felt discomfort in being asked of his whereabouts a few weeks back.  I was horrified by the spitefulness of what I was wanting.  Rather than judge myself as spiteful and callous -- which I could have easily, and would have likely resulted in more suffering -- I asked myself what need I was seeking to fulfill by wanting him to suffer this discomfort.  How exactly was I seeking to improve life by wanting something that, on the surface, seems so spiteful and callous?

When I went below the surface, I found the need I had been trying to fulfill in wishing this suffering upon him.  I had been yearning to be understood.  I had been yearning for a respectful understanding of the embarrassment, sadness, loneliness and sense of loss I had experienced in being asked about him. My need was for empathy, on a deep level.

I recognized that in wishing this suffering upon him, my intention was to get some fulfillment of my need for empathy.  "Suffer" was my knee-jerk choice of strategies for getting my need for empathy met.  Once I recognized this, I was able to let go of any self-judgment of spitefulness or callousness I might have otherwise applied, and I was able to let go of the self-judgment of badness for my reaction.

Though I was then able to see that a) I'm not a bad person for reacting as I did, and b) the reaction wasn't bad at its core, I still didn't like my reaction. I would like to have reacted differently.  Upon reading his message, I would like to have been able to slow down, listen for my own feelings and needs, discover my need for that deep level of empathy, consider a variety of strategies for fulfilling that need, and choose one that is more closely aligned with the value I place on relating to myself and others honestly, freely and compassionately.  That's my goal.

I didn't meet that goal this time. It's a big goal -- one that may require a lot of work before I can meet it frequently, let alone consistently. However, by having explored past simply feeling bad about my reaction, and by continuing to relate to myself with empathy as I've done in this case, I believe I'll be better able to meet that goal in the future.

Pleasantries

Why? Really, why?

What do we gain by exchanging pleasantries? A minor level of social acceptance, perhaps? Or maybe a facade of friendliness to mask indifference or apathy? Certainly words to fill space -- space that might otherwise be uncomfortable if we had little other choice than to allow our attention to genuinely and fully focus on ourselves or others.

I sometimes hear all of these sorts of things in the pleasantries offered to me. And often I respond with pleasantries in turn. Sometimes this is out of habit, sometimes it's out of indifference toward connecting authentically, and most often, it's out of societal expectation to conform to the norm -- which actually may be closely aligned with habit. While it's personally amusing to observe others' reactions to nonconformist behavior, it's not amusing enough to do it regularly. Additionally, as a society, we have a propensity for punishment of nonconformity and I certainly prefer to avoid punishment most times.

Even as I'm guilty of exchanging them, I find myself annoyed by pleasantries. I value them very little. In fact, something I usually value much more highly is silence. ...And smiles. Real smiles rock.

Questions, Options, Life

In many questions I pose to others, I already have some guess, some prediction as to how they might answer. My intent in asking such questions is to check my own understanding.  I welcome correction of my guess as much, if not more than, validation of it. I value correction because it offers me an opportunity to learn, and understand more fully. When it comes right down to it, I ask such questions of the people I do because *they* are the people I want most to understand, and connect with on a level that's deeper than most of the connections we have in life, like coworkers, neighbors, social media contacts, or acquaintances from various social circles.

Recently though I'm finding that my questions are going unanswered, or are receiving non-answers. When this happens I recognize it as absence of information I might use to understand others more fully. This often leads me to feel some frustration because my desire for clarity and understanding is being under-served. In turn I usually look inward, to explore how I might meet my needs for clarity and understanding with only the information I've been given. Invariably I then feel compulsion to assume that my prediction is true.

I'm usually uncomfortable with the option of assuming my guess to be true, though not usually more uncomfortable than I am with foregoing clarity and understanding by doing nothing. I strongly acknowledge the harm we do when denying or ignoring our own needs.

Sometimes assuming that my guess at another's answer to my question is accurate is of little more consequence than a lost opportunity for greater certainty. Other times doing so is of much greater consequence. This is especially true in cases where a pattern of non-answers has been established.

Where non-answers are frequent or prevalent I struggle. Many questions arise. Are the non-answers an indirect message that the questions are unwelcome? How wise is it to assume so? Does the askee give no answer or non-answers out of suspicion that their answer would be one I wouldn't like? Are the non-answers an even bigger indirect message that the askee is unwilling to connect? What are my options for handling this?

One option I see is to value my efforts to connect meaningfully with others, and in recognizing that value, see it as a gift that is not fully appreciated, and simply stop offering it until it's invited or requested.  Another option I see is to persist in my attempts to gain clarity and understanding from the askee.  A third option is to create as much clarity and understanding as I can without involving the seemingly reluctant askee. All of these options are appealing for various reasons, and they all have potential consequences that I'm not wild about.

One of the most concerning potential consequences is that a withdrawal of my attempts to connect, or connect on that level, will be seen as punitive rather than protective. My intent is to value and protect my efforts, not to punish.  However, I fully understand how easily it could be construed as such, given our societal tendencies to treat everything as punishment and reward. I recognize how trust-eroding it could be if my actions were viewed as punishment.

While it's certainly not yet clear how I'll proceed, in the end I suspect my choice will be some combination of these options. I will own my choice and I will respect it as a carefully considered strategy toward achieving greater fulfillment in life. I'll acknowledge it as an attempt to make like more wonderful for myself and others.

Sick of Hearing It

Have you ever been sick of hearing the same damn story... from yourself?

That's where I am right now. I've heard the same thing, time and time again. It's been the same downward spiraling cycle since last fall. Coming back around full circle with increasing velocity -- each cycle shorter than the last. I suppose it's that acceleration that's contributing the most to my becoming sick of the story, since it's leading to the story being repeated evermore frequently.

The length of time this has been going on is undoubtedly a contributing factor as well. Six months ago I hadn't truly caught on to the cyclic nature of all this yet. Back then I could have been convinced that it was merely two or three similar but isolated experiences. Now I'd be a complete fool not to see how the dots are connected.

So here's the story...

Something happens, or I recognize that something has been happening, in this one particular relationship of significance. I raise awareness of it; try to address it. Communication becomes strained, tapers, practically grinds to a halt. Misunderstandings happen. Offenses are taken and hard feelings are experienced. Everyone suffers.

Something budges. Communication opens up a bit. Grievances are aired, feelings are shared. The respectful mutual understanding of empathy grows. We start to heal. I start allowing myself to think we're going to be OK.

Interaction returns to the status quo, starts growing more shallow, infrequent. Lather, rinse, repeat.

As I mentioned before, I've become sick of this story, and experiencing it again & again. I want to find a way off this macabre merry-go-round and I'd prefer to find it together, instead of making my best guesses & evaluations and acting on them unilaterally. Because even in facing the option of smashing the merry-go-round to bits just to ensure we never take another ugly turn, I still long for a partner.