A Letter To Catherine W.

Dear Catherine W,
I'm excited to write to you...to grant you your wish.

In your writing I could feel how much you are struggling with your situation and your hopes for the future.  I hear your yearning and uncertainty.  The predicament you face is one I know well... What's the next move that's right for me?  Is the smart move even a move at all?  What should I do to help me find what I'm longing for?  Will I ever find it?

These are all big, scary questions, especially tackling them at your age.  I know you probably think that at 25 you should have things figured out already, but go easy on yourself.  It's ok to not have all the answers.  Really, it's ok.

The wish you wrote about is a pretty big and important one; one that I'm sure many people live their whole life without ever fulfilling.  And having this wish of yours now, in your particular situation, when you've got so much uncertainty going on, shows how deep the wish is for you.

As soon as I read that you wished you "could know what a healthy, long-lasting relationship is supposed to feel like", I knew I could help grant you that wish -- though probably not in the way you expect.  I can't necessarily help you feel what this feels like.  However, I can tell you what it feels like, and help you know in a way that's more intellectual than experiential.

A healthy and enduring relationship feels like home, in the heartfelt emotional sense, not necessarily in the physical place-where-I-hang-my-hat sense.  It feels like a consistency of connection, even when the consistency is closer to illusion than reality -- when your mind and heart know no difference, it doesn't matter whether it's one or the other.  It feels like support and unconditional acceptance.  It is a source of strength.  It helps you to see your worth, and doesn't determine your worth.  You are worthy with or without it, and it's likely that you must know -- deeply and fully know -- that you are worthy before you will be capable of experiencing it.

I've recently encountered the notion that each of us is incapable of loving any other person more than we love ourselves.  This seems true and helpful to believe.  In considering this notion, it seems clear that the best place to start looking for, and creating or bolstering a healthy and enduring relationship is within ourselves.

Now I'm certain that the relationship to self is not at all what you had in mind for your wish, but it is your foundation.  And without a strong foundation I would question your ability to build healthy, enduring relationships with others.  So I invite you, start there.  Start with yourself.

When you have mastered the ability to have a healthy and enduring relationship to self, experiencing similar relationships with others becomes easier.  But even better than the ease it brings, it also brings less attachment to experiencing this sort of relationship with others.  In other words, it becomes less of a big deal to discover that having a healthy and enduring relationship with any other given individual is not likely or not possible.

As you grow to have a healthy, enduring relationship to self, the sense of scarcity you feel now -- in thinking you may never know what a healthy, enduring relationship feels like -- will fade.  And even if ultimately you never experience a relationship with another that is as healthy and as enduring (going forward, at least) as your relationship to self, you still know what a healthy, enduring relationship feels like.

With love and best wishes,
Cate