It's New Year's Eve 2016 and the spirit of the season is still in the air. Venturing out for some special grocery items for my holiday enjoyment, a motorist speeding through the parking lot shouted out of her window after she'd passed me. I didn't catch all of it, but I did hear something about "right of way" ...on the private property of a grocery store parking lot. *smh*
Counter to the better part of my nature I wordlessly raised a single-fingered salute without eye contact or any other sort of engagement with the obviously riled SUV-driver. How dare I inconvenience her with my existence!
As I continued on with my shopping I found myself wishing for more inhospitable weather -- folks tend to drive more slowly and not bother with rolling down the window to shout at those pesky pedestrians when there's a blizzard on. And as I considered the event further I found myself really wishing that the better part of my nature had been in charge, offering up two fingers rather than the single finger that tends to just reflect the same violence directed at me.
I get that we're all in a hurry and want the completion of our errands to go smoothly. I don't get the need for violent reactions to the inconvenience of slowing one's vehicle to less than 10 mph in a parking lot. I'd really like to handle minor displays of violence like this with more grace. I'm not there yet. I have my better moments; I have my lesser moments.
Back at home, putting away the groceries and wondering at the fullness of my refrigerator, I got to thinking about how much, in terms of grocery items, I'd be carrying into the new year. And that got me wondering about all the intangible things I'd be carrying into 2017. Surely that imperfection of mine in responding non-violently to violent gestures would be one of them. What would be the others?
Saturday, December 31, 2016
A Letter To Catherine W.
Dear Catherine W,
I'm excited to write to you...to grant you your wish.
In your writing I could feel how much you are struggling with your situation and your hopes for the future. I hear your yearning and uncertainty. The predicament you face is one I know well... What's the next move that's right for me? Is the smart move even a move at all? What should I do to help me find what I'm longing for? Will I ever find it?
These are all big, scary questions, especially tackling them at your age. I know you probably think that at 25 you should have things figured out already, but go easy on yourself. It's ok to not have all the answers. Really, it's ok.
The wish you wrote about is a pretty big and important one; one that I'm sure many people live their whole life without ever fulfilling. And having this wish of yours now, in your particular situation, when you've got so much uncertainty going on, shows how deep the wish is for you.
As soon as I read that you wished you "could know what a healthy, long-lasting relationship is supposed to feel like", I knew I could help grant you that wish -- though probably not in the way you expect. I can't necessarily help you feel what this feels like. However, I can tell you what it feels like, and help you know in a way that's more intellectual than experiential.
A healthy and enduring relationship feels like home, in the heartfelt emotional sense, not necessarily in the physical place-where-I-hang-my-hat sense. It feels like a consistency of connection, even when the consistency is closer to illusion than reality -- when your mind and heart know no difference, it doesn't matter whether it's one or the other. It feels like support and unconditional acceptance. It is a source of strength. It helps you to see your worth, and doesn't determine your worth. You are worthy with or without it, and it's likely that you must know -- deeply and fully know -- that you are worthy before you will be capable of experiencing it.
I've recently encountered the notion that each of us is incapable of loving any other person more than we love ourselves. This seems true and helpful to believe. In considering this notion, it seems clear that the best place to start looking for, and creating or bolstering a healthy and enduring relationship is within ourselves.
Now I'm certain that the relationship to self is not at all what you had in mind for your wish, but it is your foundation. And without a strong foundation I would question your ability to build healthy, enduring relationships with others. So I invite you, start there. Start with yourself.
When you have mastered the ability to have a healthy and enduring relationship to self, experiencing similar relationships with others becomes easier. But even better than the ease it brings, it also brings less attachment to experiencing this sort of relationship with others. In other words, it becomes less of a big deal to discover that having a healthy and enduring relationship with any other given individual is not likely or not possible.
As you grow to have a healthy, enduring relationship to self, the sense of scarcity you feel now -- in thinking you may never know what a healthy, enduring relationship feels like -- will fade. And even if ultimately you never experience a relationship with another that is as healthy and as enduring (going forward, at least) as your relationship to self, you still know what a healthy, enduring relationship feels like.
With love and best wishes,
Cate
I'm excited to write to you...to grant you your wish.
In your writing I could feel how much you are struggling with your situation and your hopes for the future. I hear your yearning and uncertainty. The predicament you face is one I know well... What's the next move that's right for me? Is the smart move even a move at all? What should I do to help me find what I'm longing for? Will I ever find it?
These are all big, scary questions, especially tackling them at your age. I know you probably think that at 25 you should have things figured out already, but go easy on yourself. It's ok to not have all the answers. Really, it's ok.
The wish you wrote about is a pretty big and important one; one that I'm sure many people live their whole life without ever fulfilling. And having this wish of yours now, in your particular situation, when you've got so much uncertainty going on, shows how deep the wish is for you.
As soon as I read that you wished you "could know what a healthy, long-lasting relationship is supposed to feel like", I knew I could help grant you that wish -- though probably not in the way you expect. I can't necessarily help you feel what this feels like. However, I can tell you what it feels like, and help you know in a way that's more intellectual than experiential.
A healthy and enduring relationship feels like home, in the heartfelt emotional sense, not necessarily in the physical place-where-I-hang-my-hat sense. It feels like a consistency of connection, even when the consistency is closer to illusion than reality -- when your mind and heart know no difference, it doesn't matter whether it's one or the other. It feels like support and unconditional acceptance. It is a source of strength. It helps you to see your worth, and doesn't determine your worth. You are worthy with or without it, and it's likely that you must know -- deeply and fully know -- that you are worthy before you will be capable of experiencing it.
I've recently encountered the notion that each of us is incapable of loving any other person more than we love ourselves. This seems true and helpful to believe. In considering this notion, it seems clear that the best place to start looking for, and creating or bolstering a healthy and enduring relationship is within ourselves.
Now I'm certain that the relationship to self is not at all what you had in mind for your wish, but it is your foundation. And without a strong foundation I would question your ability to build healthy, enduring relationships with others. So I invite you, start there. Start with yourself.
When you have mastered the ability to have a healthy and enduring relationship to self, experiencing similar relationships with others becomes easier. But even better than the ease it brings, it also brings less attachment to experiencing this sort of relationship with others. In other words, it becomes less of a big deal to discover that having a healthy and enduring relationship with any other given individual is not likely or not possible.
As you grow to have a healthy, enduring relationship to self, the sense of scarcity you feel now -- in thinking you may never know what a healthy, enduring relationship feels like -- will fade. And even if ultimately you never experience a relationship with another that is as healthy and as enduring (going forward, at least) as your relationship to self, you still know what a healthy, enduring relationship feels like.
With love and best wishes,
Cate
Monday, December 26, 2016
Writing Challenge - Day 21
One of the ideas that Brené Brown presents in Daring Greatly is that to avoid being vulnerable one of the things that we do is make the uncertain, certain. I've seen how this is true -- from assigning badness (e.g. "What a jerk!") when the unexpected happens, to filling in the blanks with our own stories (e.g. "She's always late because she's self-centered"), and even more elaborate ways in which we try to "make sense" of our uncertainty.
We try so hard to make sense of it, because sitting with uncertainty -- just sitting with it, not trying to find our way out of it -- is very uncomfortable for most of us. I'm inclined to believe that there are things about our culture that help promote a sense of unease with uncertainty, but no examples come to mind. Certainly though there are evolutionary connections to fear and vigilance in the face of in uncertainty. Fear over whether that rustle in the bush was a fellow tribe member or a predator is what helped keep our ancestors on guard and live long enough to become our ancestors! But since most of us are never in danger of being a predator's lunch, an evolutionary fear or unease with uncertainty doesn't serve us as well as it used to.
To become better at handling uncertainty, I often make it a point to try to just let it be, without thinking up ways to explain it away or analyzing and investigating it into certainty. It's not easy. Sometimes it's frustrating, and sometimes it's emotionally painful, but I like to think that I'm building a better me by challenging myself to acknowledge and simply be with my uncertainty.
We try so hard to make sense of it, because sitting with uncertainty -- just sitting with it, not trying to find our way out of it -- is very uncomfortable for most of us. I'm inclined to believe that there are things about our culture that help promote a sense of unease with uncertainty, but no examples come to mind. Certainly though there are evolutionary connections to fear and vigilance in the face of in uncertainty. Fear over whether that rustle in the bush was a fellow tribe member or a predator is what helped keep our ancestors on guard and live long enough to become our ancestors! But since most of us are never in danger of being a predator's lunch, an evolutionary fear or unease with uncertainty doesn't serve us as well as it used to.
To become better at handling uncertainty, I often make it a point to try to just let it be, without thinking up ways to explain it away or analyzing and investigating it into certainty. It's not easy. Sometimes it's frustrating, and sometimes it's emotionally painful, but I like to think that I'm building a better me by challenging myself to acknowledge and simply be with my uncertainty.
Sunday, December 25, 2016
Writing Challenge - Day 20
Today was Christmas Day, and for me it was much like any other Sunday in town. A mimosa brunch with friends that was just a little more grand than usual preceded some relaxation, old movies (including "A Christmas Story"), a bath and a nap. My stab at making a quiche turned out well enough that it got a repeat performance on my dinner plate, and the Mississippi water mill-ground grits that I cooked up this morning have not survived the night.
The bubble lights glow and vibrantly twinkle on my tiny tabletop tree, which features a makeshift aluminum foil bow at the top -- a creative afterthought born of faulty dispensing from the roll. A couple of holiday cards and a decorative element here and there round out the small collection of items around my place that mark the time of year.
Job search tasks await my attention, but since Friday at 3:00 I've held firmly to my plan to simply enjoy the weekend. I may take on a few tasks tomorrow, but they'll take a back seat to the hiking and movie-going that are already on the agenda.
---
I've sometimes said that I lack faith, and while that's quite true in some respects, in other respects it's not at all. In some cases I have a lot of faith in people, even despite signs that my faith may be misplaced. I see goodness in others; I know it's there, regardless of whether it shows through clearly. I have found ways to get better at giving others the benefit of the doubt, so much so that I sometimes surprise myself. That feels good.
The bubble lights glow and vibrantly twinkle on my tiny tabletop tree, which features a makeshift aluminum foil bow at the top -- a creative afterthought born of faulty dispensing from the roll. A couple of holiday cards and a decorative element here and there round out the small collection of items around my place that mark the time of year.
Job search tasks await my attention, but since Friday at 3:00 I've held firmly to my plan to simply enjoy the weekend. I may take on a few tasks tomorrow, but they'll take a back seat to the hiking and movie-going that are already on the agenda.
---
I've sometimes said that I lack faith, and while that's quite true in some respects, in other respects it's not at all. In some cases I have a lot of faith in people, even despite signs that my faith may be misplaced. I see goodness in others; I know it's there, regardless of whether it shows through clearly. I have found ways to get better at giving others the benefit of the doubt, so much so that I sometimes surprise myself. That feels good.
Writing Challenge - Day 19
A number of new concepts for small writing projects have sprung up as a result of looking through older writings (not included on this blog). Essentially, out of my fears of tapping the well dry, I've circled back to a combination of two suggestions I'd been offered on getting a body of work collected/created. Those suggestions were to a) take time to create a list of writing prompts -- perhaps taken as inspiration from previous works -- that might inspire creation, and b) simply gather a collection of older writings without reviewing them.
With these new ideas sprouting like seedlings and a solid plan in place to begin writing my Codex Vitae, I'm overjoyed with the positive outcomes I've realized through this writing challenge. At this point it's looking pretty difficult to tap the well dry. And that's a relief.
With luck, I've got a lot more writing to do. I aspire to write a book. Perhaps not a very long one, but one that inspires and provides helpful if not invaluable information to its readers. I don't anticipate making loads of money or even a reasonable living from writing. My key aim is to allow my thoughts take shape in ways that may serve others.
Over the past few years or so I've been taking small steps toward engaging in a second career of sorts. The current career (Software Development) is great for scratching my intellectual itch for analytical problem solving, but does little to provide meaning and a sense of 'giving back' to others. That's the purpose of this 'second career' endeavor. So far, so good
With these new ideas sprouting like seedlings and a solid plan in place to begin writing my Codex Vitae, I'm overjoyed with the positive outcomes I've realized through this writing challenge. At this point it's looking pretty difficult to tap the well dry. And that's a relief.
With luck, I've got a lot more writing to do. I aspire to write a book. Perhaps not a very long one, but one that inspires and provides helpful if not invaluable information to its readers. I don't anticipate making loads of money or even a reasonable living from writing. My key aim is to allow my thoughts take shape in ways that may serve others.
Over the past few years or so I've been taking small steps toward engaging in a second career of sorts. The current career (Software Development) is great for scratching my intellectual itch for analytical problem solving, but does little to provide meaning and a sense of 'giving back' to others. That's the purpose of this 'second career' endeavor. So far, so good
Friday, December 23, 2016
Writing Challenge - Day 18
I play with fire. I burn. I heal. I come back stronger. Tempered by flame.
Doing this thing differently, avoiding avoidance, I lean in to absence, let go of reciprocity and give love...just give it. No really, Just. Give. It.
Facing action incongruent with words, I remain. Non-reactive. Undeterred.
There is no way to 'give more than you have to give' when there's always enough and the giving flows freely.
Relishing in the sound and halfheartedly trying to pay attention to the conversation, I steal glances toward the stage. "What was that?" and "Say again..." signaling each time I catch myself drifting away into the music. Too worried about getting the steps right during the dance to focus on much else, my brain's not functioning as expected. I giggle in the realization and let the moment be.
---
Reflecting on the Past (8 Feb 2002)
Through the lens of today I see that I wrote of ...
Ignoring things by way of avoidance...avoidance of negativity, avoidance of conflict.
A calm facade masking (causing?) loneliness.
Impossible situations.
Introversion and people-pleasing.
Shoulds.
Laughter.
Relating, being seen.
Desire for spirited, respectful debate -- the kind that supports healthy relating.
Giving up on me -- conceding, to my detriment.
Autonomy slipping away like water through a sieve.
Guilt. So much guilt.
Stifled expression.
Strong desire for nonviolent communication...without knowing that there is such a thing.
A core of protection and love.
Lacking familiarity with the sensation and emotion involved in the fulfillment of a fundamental need.
The uncertainty and profound unawareness of youth.
Doing this thing differently, avoiding avoidance, I lean in to absence, let go of reciprocity and give love...just give it. No really, Just. Give. It.
Facing action incongruent with words, I remain. Non-reactive. Undeterred.
There is no way to 'give more than you have to give' when there's always enough and the giving flows freely.
Relishing in the sound and halfheartedly trying to pay attention to the conversation, I steal glances toward the stage. "What was that?" and "Say again..." signaling each time I catch myself drifting away into the music. Too worried about getting the steps right during the dance to focus on much else, my brain's not functioning as expected. I giggle in the realization and let the moment be.
---
Reflecting on the Past (8 Feb 2002)
Through the lens of today I see that I wrote of ...
Ignoring things by way of avoidance...avoidance of negativity, avoidance of conflict.
A calm facade masking (causing?) loneliness.
Impossible situations.
Introversion and people-pleasing.
Shoulds.
Laughter.
Relating, being seen.
Desire for spirited, respectful debate -- the kind that supports healthy relating.
Giving up on me -- conceding, to my detriment.
Autonomy slipping away like water through a sieve.
Guilt. So much guilt.
Stifled expression.
Strong desire for nonviolent communication...without knowing that there is such a thing.
A core of protection and love.
Lacking familiarity with the sensation and emotion involved in the fulfillment of a fundamental need.
The uncertainty and profound unawareness of youth.
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Writing Challenge - Day 17
Venturing out into the holiday retail wonderland today, I recognized the sadness, emptiness, waste and violence in it all. Would-be shoppers jockeying to claim prime parking spaces. Parking garages eager to cash in on making spending your money more convenient. Car horns blaring angrily and pedestrians making snide remarks about the traffic and noise. Queue-lining retail displays full of impulse purchase items exclaiming, "buy me, buy me!" Ostensibly able-bodied shoppers contentedly riding an escalator in a two-floor store that stairs would have served just as well*. This is how we make a season merry and bright?
*I suspect (or hope, at least) there was also an elevator for ADA compliance.
---
I've been back into playing with code some more this week. CodeFights was a fun find, and another little thing I did was put together a word count utility on JSFiddle using AngularJS. Having the word count utility put together essentially helps me avoid keeping OpenOffice Writer open just to assess whether I've hit my goal word count. Considering that I do most of this writing from a Vista machine that I haven't yet scrapped for Ubuntu, this saves me a lot of memory management lag on stupidly low-resource hardware. The HTML and JavaScript for my little word count utility are listed below for your code-reading pleasure...and because I'm sandbagging on my word count again today!
The HTML:
<div ng-app ng-controller="WCController">
<div>Word count: {{ wordCount() }}</div>
<textarea ng-model="words" rows="20" cols="40"/>
</div>
The JavaScript:
function WCController($scope) {
$scope.wordCount = function () {
var text = $scope.words;
var s = text ? text.split(/\s+/) : 0; // it splits the text on space/tab/enter
return s ? s.length : 0;
};
}
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Writing Challenge - Day 16
Yesterday I decided upon a new writing challenge to follow the completion of this one on Day 21. My next challenge will be the creation of a Codex Vitae ("Book of Life") similar to this one. Another one gives some background on the origins of the concept.
I'm not sure if I'll publish the building blocks of myCV (it's just too close to the shorthand for Curriculum Vitae, I just can't) Codex piece by piece here as I've done with each day of this 21-day writing challenge or if I'll just keep it all in another place like GitHub that's made for change. When I start working on my Codex, this blog may resume its usual neglected status, but I'd like to think I'll make an effort to leave a trail breadcrumbs for readers to find whatever tiny corner of the Internet I'm littering with my words at the moment.
---
I'm thinking about vulnerability again, this time in conjunction with the concepts of strength, weakness, acknowledgement and denial. Reading a portion of Brené Brown's Daring Greatly is what got me going on this, and all that's here is really just a summation of my opinion on: vulnerability denied (or simply unacknowledged) is weakness; vulnerability acknowledged is strength. Acknowledging my vulnerability is something I'm kind of fanatical about doing -- which I sincerely hope is apparent in my writing. To be fully seen by those willing to see me is one of my greatest desires. It's what feels like living, richly and authentically.
I'm not sure if I'll publish the building blocks of my
---
I'm thinking about vulnerability again, this time in conjunction with the concepts of strength, weakness, acknowledgement and denial. Reading a portion of Brené Brown's Daring Greatly is what got me going on this, and all that's here is really just a summation of my opinion on: vulnerability denied (or simply unacknowledged) is weakness; vulnerability acknowledged is strength. Acknowledging my vulnerability is something I'm kind of fanatical about doing -- which I sincerely hope is apparent in my writing. To be fully seen by those willing to see me is one of my greatest desires. It's what feels like living, richly and authentically.
Writing Challenge - Day 15
This season I've seen more human flakes than snowflakes. They've fallen under the curious powers of "can't drive in freezing rain", "sick kid", "busted washer at home", "work thing" and sometimes absolutely no words at all. And for as much as I dislike flakiness, today I was guilty of it.
I could try to pass it off as karmic flakiness, but that doesn't seem fair. After saying just yesterday that I was excited about a happy hour tonight -- and I was genuinely excited then -- I let myself get so super deep into job search stuff that less than an hour before the event I still hadn't stopped to eat anything since breakfast and I still was in the middle of making applications. Rather than manage my time and work to be sure I went out and enjoyed the event, I got mired in it to the detriment of self-care and healthy socialization.
The way that it all unfolded is no surprise to me, really. With a plan of a midday hike broken by "sick kid", I resolved to turn the busted plan into greater opportunity for job search productivity. I just took it too far; dug in too deep.
Perhaps the ugliest part is that I don't fully regret cancelling my happy hour plans. The decision has caused a bit of a flare up in my chronic FOMO, as I'm sure it would have been a good time -- and one that won't come around again for another month or more. But when I cancelled it felt like a relief to not worry about rushing to go out, spending money I ought not spend, and not finishing what I'm sure I would have told myself that I ought to have finished.
My own hypocrisy humbles my otherwise vitriolic view of flakiness.
I could try to pass it off as karmic flakiness, but that doesn't seem fair. After saying just yesterday that I was excited about a happy hour tonight -- and I was genuinely excited then -- I let myself get so super deep into job search stuff that less than an hour before the event I still hadn't stopped to eat anything since breakfast and I still was in the middle of making applications. Rather than manage my time and work to be sure I went out and enjoyed the event, I got mired in it to the detriment of self-care and healthy socialization.
The way that it all unfolded is no surprise to me, really. With a plan of a midday hike broken by "sick kid", I resolved to turn the busted plan into greater opportunity for job search productivity. I just took it too far; dug in too deep.
Perhaps the ugliest part is that I don't fully regret cancelling my happy hour plans. The decision has caused a bit of a flare up in my chronic FOMO, as I'm sure it would have been a good time -- and one that won't come around again for another month or more. But when I cancelled it felt like a relief to not worry about rushing to go out, spending money I ought not spend, and not finishing what I'm sure I would have told myself that I ought to have finished.
My own hypocrisy humbles my otherwise vitriolic view of flakiness.
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Writing Challenge - Day 14
It's strange that I can speak of sudden, unexpected unemployment like a gift, laugh and see the joy and hope in it, yet I do. It feels refreshing in a way -- a clean slate. I could choose to freak out and fear financial ruin, but so far I'm doing what I need to get by and doing a good bit of contemplation.
It hasn't always come this easy, but as I look back, it has gotten easier over time. The first job I ever lost hit me hard. It was a tough lesson to learn that it isn't wise to let two co-workers decide between the two of them which of them will take the shift you want to give up. Another was rough because the employer fought my claim for unemployment benefits after laying me off -- way to keep it classy MCI. The first layoff during my professional software development years got under my skin, but with unemployment benefits and a healthy savings account it turned into a nice opportunity to put all my efforts behind completing grad school.
Now I'm facing this stint with no cash foundation to speak of and I'm still pretty much smiling and laughing about it all. Here's my chance to prove to myself that I can live on less -- something that I've been inspired to do (but not really motivated enough to do) ever since reading the book, Early Retirement Extreme. And even bigger, I'm seeing this as a golden ticket to building the coaching practice I've been dreaming about.
More about that is coming in the days, weeks and months ahead.
It hasn't always come this easy, but as I look back, it has gotten easier over time. The first job I ever lost hit me hard. It was a tough lesson to learn that it isn't wise to let two co-workers decide between the two of them which of them will take the shift you want to give up. Another was rough because the employer fought my claim for unemployment benefits after laying me off -- way to keep it classy MCI. The first layoff during my professional software development years got under my skin, but with unemployment benefits and a healthy savings account it turned into a nice opportunity to put all my efforts behind completing grad school.
Now I'm facing this stint with no cash foundation to speak of and I'm still pretty much smiling and laughing about it all. Here's my chance to prove to myself that I can live on less -- something that I've been inspired to do (but not really motivated enough to do) ever since reading the book, Early Retirement Extreme. And even bigger, I'm seeing this as a golden ticket to building the coaching practice I've been dreaming about.
More about that is coming in the days, weeks and months ahead.
Monday, December 19, 2016
Writing Challenge - Day 13
In a familiar place, I got excited, hopeful, courageous, fearlessly vulnerable. Precariously poised it took little to throw me off, and I was thrown. So fragile and raw, summoning every scrap of protection to build a guard, turn inward, and heal.
Yet for as much as I grasp for retreat and healing, I still so deeply value everything that brought me to the precipice from which I fell. The thought of turning away from it brings the painful ache of a deep chill. I long for the strength to boldly venture back; to ignore the well-meaning "If only you hadn't..." admonitions that rain down, washing over me and hoping to keep me safe.
I want to relish the heat of vulnerability, feel every bit of my fear and venture forth despite it. I yearn to sit with the uncertainty of extending trust not fully earned. Abundant is how I crave to view the world.
There's work to do to get back to the precipice where I can stand, laughing gleefully and defiantly into the wind. Compassionate nurturing cannot be skipped-over on the path back up. Through it is the only way there.
So I call upon patience and love, to carry me up, strengthening and emboldening me with every step, living freer and more fully as I go.
---
Into the past I plan to peer
Unsure of what I'll see
Curious to know what I'll feel
Will there be a song
Playing in the background
Shuffling feet on cafeteria floors
A whole wide world ahead
And none could know
How it would all be
Yet for as much as I grasp for retreat and healing, I still so deeply value everything that brought me to the precipice from which I fell. The thought of turning away from it brings the painful ache of a deep chill. I long for the strength to boldly venture back; to ignore the well-meaning "If only you hadn't..." admonitions that rain down, washing over me and hoping to keep me safe.
I want to relish the heat of vulnerability, feel every bit of my fear and venture forth despite it. I yearn to sit with the uncertainty of extending trust not fully earned. Abundant is how I crave to view the world.
There's work to do to get back to the precipice where I can stand, laughing gleefully and defiantly into the wind. Compassionate nurturing cannot be skipped-over on the path back up. Through it is the only way there.
So I call upon patience and love, to carry me up, strengthening and emboldening me with every step, living freer and more fully as I go.
---
Into the past I plan to peer
Unsure of what I'll see
Curious to know what I'll feel
Will there be a song
Playing in the background
Shuffling feet on cafeteria floors
A whole wide world ahead
And none could know
How it would all be
Saturday, December 17, 2016
Writing Challenge - Day 12
Musings on Let Love In
(debut EP from Green River Junction)
Let Love In:
Your song is a seduction of the romantic. They'll flock to you and you'll create something beautiful together.
What does he understand about love? I want to know.
I know this...what this is like to want to Let Love In. Just one more time, can't we? It's always so right.
So deeply I want to see him Let Love In, no matter what that love is or what letting it in looks like -- making music, spreading his words and sound out to the world, loving and devoting himself to family, whatever that heart desires.
I see a big, pure and sweet heart. I see glimmers of its amazing capacity. I see its protective barriers, and feel those barriers sometimes, too. When those barriers aren't protecting that sweet heart from me I am astounded and thrilled by its purity, compassion and courage.
If You Wanna Wake Up:
"gotta never lose your way" -- I disagree. "Always know you made the right choice" -- I disagree. "People don't change" -- I disagree.
My Own Way:
"No one wants to hear 'bout my suffering" Don't let your fear lie to you like that. Share that suffering; let me help you with your load.
This needs video. I would love to hear it in the soundtrack to a feature film. I can envision it accompanying a scene depicting someone dragging themselves out of bed to pick up workboots and leave the house and the track over it picking up around "pick up my own shoes, find my own way" through the chorus. I hear chorus following this over a trailer or a flashback scene. The last verse, "Set out to find your own way..." through to the end belongs over a scene of the workboot-wearer driving.
Mr. Bluebird:
"your dance is just for me"..."your sweet song is for me" -- I hear longing, a longing to belong, a longing to be recognized and regarded. This bumps up next to fear in me, fear that you won't find that sense of belonging, recognition or regard you're longing for in me. I don't need, want, expect or hope to fulfill completely all of these needs you long for, but I see the tragedy in being unable to find any of this in me. It's all here if you can let it in, and it's available in a way that leaves you open to receiving it from all others who offer it as well.
I'll See You In Boston:
It is a love song. Maybe not a love song for a person, but a love song for a city and an experience in it.
Listening to the last part of the song I can envision myself dancing with a date at a live performance and telling them I'm fantasizing about dancing with the singer.
"meant to be" -- The fatalism in this phrase is scary to me, it's a phrase we so often use to deny and downplay desire and the impact it can and does have in our lives.
(debut EP from Green River Junction)
Let Love In:
Your song is a seduction of the romantic. They'll flock to you and you'll create something beautiful together.
What does he understand about love? I want to know.
I know this...what this is like to want to Let Love In. Just one more time, can't we? It's always so right.
So deeply I want to see him Let Love In, no matter what that love is or what letting it in looks like -- making music, spreading his words and sound out to the world, loving and devoting himself to family, whatever that heart desires.
I see a big, pure and sweet heart. I see glimmers of its amazing capacity. I see its protective barriers, and feel those barriers sometimes, too. When those barriers aren't protecting that sweet heart from me I am astounded and thrilled by its purity, compassion and courage.
If You Wanna Wake Up:
"gotta never lose your way" -- I disagree. "Always know you made the right choice" -- I disagree. "People don't change" -- I disagree.
My Own Way:
"No one wants to hear 'bout my suffering" Don't let your fear lie to you like that. Share that suffering; let me help you with your load.
This needs video. I would love to hear it in the soundtrack to a feature film. I can envision it accompanying a scene depicting someone dragging themselves out of bed to pick up workboots and leave the house and the track over it picking up around "pick up my own shoes, find my own way" through the chorus. I hear chorus following this over a trailer or a flashback scene. The last verse, "Set out to find your own way..." through to the end belongs over a scene of the workboot-wearer driving.
Mr. Bluebird:
"your dance is just for me"..."your sweet song is for me" -- I hear longing, a longing to belong, a longing to be recognized and regarded. This bumps up next to fear in me, fear that you won't find that sense of belonging, recognition or regard you're longing for in me. I don't need, want, expect or hope to fulfill completely all of these needs you long for, but I see the tragedy in being unable to find any of this in me. It's all here if you can let it in, and it's available in a way that leaves you open to receiving it from all others who offer it as well.
I'll See You In Boston:
It is a love song. Maybe not a love song for a person, but a love song for a city and an experience in it.
Listening to the last part of the song I can envision myself dancing with a date at a live performance and telling them I'm fantasizing about dancing with the singer.
"meant to be" -- The fatalism in this phrase is scary to me, it's a phrase we so often use to deny and downplay desire and the impact it can and does have in our lives.
Writing Challenge - Day 11
An opportunity might be shaping up for me to write a health and fitness book. Already a concept is forming for a brand new diet plan that has proven results! Of course, my diet might not hit it as big as other fad diets -- I don't know if I can make it sound as glamorous as the South Beach diet or as primal as Paleo. But at least it's based on some pretty appealing foundations like stress reduction and eating delicious food.
In not even two weeks on this diet I've already dropped 4 pounds. The best part of it is that the weight loss has been effortless! So effortless even that I didn't even realize that I was on an effective diet until I stepped on my bathroom scale today. Now there's gotta be broad appeal in that!
So far it seems that the real tough spot in selling this new diet is what's required for setting up conditions for maximum effect. Maybe other folks could find some success in setting up the conditions for maximum effectiveness without going as far as putting themselves in the exact same situation that created the conditions for me. I'll leave that for others to explore when I make the secrets of my diet success available under open source licensing.
Until then, and until I write my bestseller, I'm going to stick with the diet as long as I can and kick around working titles for the book that have a little more sexiness to them than The Unemployment Diet.
In not even two weeks on this diet I've already dropped 4 pounds. The best part of it is that the weight loss has been effortless! So effortless even that I didn't even realize that I was on an effective diet until I stepped on my bathroom scale today. Now there's gotta be broad appeal in that!
So far it seems that the real tough spot in selling this new diet is what's required for setting up conditions for maximum effect. Maybe other folks could find some success in setting up the conditions for maximum effectiveness without going as far as putting themselves in the exact same situation that created the conditions for me. I'll leave that for others to explore when I make the secrets of my diet success available under open source licensing.
Until then, and until I write my bestseller, I'm going to stick with the diet as long as I can and kick around working titles for the book that have a little more sexiness to them than The Unemployment Diet.
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Writing Challenge - Day 10
Running on nothing but a nap, feeling nightfall like a shroud, I'm pushing on through thick and heavy thoughts and lazy eyes barely capable of focusing. How did I manage to make it this far? And come out of a seminar feeling energized and motivated despite a deep need for caffeine? Did I really pull off coherent notes and subtly complex meta-learning with my weary brain?
Is that icon animated or am I beginning to hallucinate? It didn't move that much. I gotta be seeing things. Some say that after hallucinogenic trips they feel something like enlightenment for days after. With how much I'm craving sleep, I can see how waking up after about 10 hours worth after this substance-free trip might lead to a sensation like that. Pure Bliss!
In the last moments of my yesterday (today) I found my BFF tagging in -- he rising to fight another day while I was crawling, beaten, toward my corner for much needed respite. The sounds of the alarms scarcely two hundred minutes later dragged me toward decision. Forego the seminar as I'd warned at dawn that I might? Snooze the alarm and see what happens next? That's a hell of a thing to face in the first moments of consciousness! Remind me, why does anything happen before noon again? Sheer ridiculosity.
Thankful for the jolt of enthusiasm instilled in me by a eye-opening presentation on how to better market yourself for government work, my next major decision of the day was to take on a very charitably offered second chance to make a first technical impression. ...After coffee, that is.
Although I didn't nail the bullseye on Take 2, I felt good about my decision to approach it naturally rather than toss out a heaping helping of copy pasta from the code I cooked up throughout the night. After I showed significant improvement over the dismal failure of Take 1, I slipped breadcrumbs leading to my recipe into the 'Thank you' note for the gracious giver of my do-over. Can't let it go to waste, right?
I hope they like my dish, but I might say that the best thing to come out of it was my discovery of .NET Fiddle and a chance to really get into tackling a moderately challenging problem using a slightly lesser-used language. More sources of motivation, yay! Here's to hoping that motivation allows me to keep from falling asleep into my dinner plate.
Is that icon animated or am I beginning to hallucinate? It didn't move that much. I gotta be seeing things. Some say that after hallucinogenic trips they feel something like enlightenment for days after. With how much I'm craving sleep, I can see how waking up after about 10 hours worth after this substance-free trip might lead to a sensation like that. Pure Bliss!
In the last moments of my yesterday (today) I found my BFF tagging in -- he rising to fight another day while I was crawling, beaten, toward my corner for much needed respite. The sounds of the alarms scarcely two hundred minutes later dragged me toward decision. Forego the seminar as I'd warned at dawn that I might? Snooze the alarm and see what happens next? That's a hell of a thing to face in the first moments of consciousness! Remind me, why does anything happen before noon again? Sheer ridiculosity.
Thankful for the jolt of enthusiasm instilled in me by a eye-opening presentation on how to better market yourself for government work, my next major decision of the day was to take on a very charitably offered second chance to make a first technical impression. ...After coffee, that is.
Although I didn't nail the bullseye on Take 2, I felt good about my decision to approach it naturally rather than toss out a heaping helping of copy pasta from the code I cooked up throughout the night. After I showed significant improvement over the dismal failure of Take 1, I slipped breadcrumbs leading to my recipe into the 'Thank you' note for the gracious giver of my do-over. Can't let it go to waste, right?
I hope they like my dish, but I might say that the best thing to come out of it was my discovery of .NET Fiddle and a chance to really get into tackling a moderately challenging problem using a slightly lesser-used language. More sources of motivation, yay! Here's to hoping that motivation allows me to keep from falling asleep into my dinner plate.
Writing Challenge - Day 9
I don't write only English. And today I'm punting on my writing challenge because I spent a good deal of time writing this after dinner:
using System;
using System.Linq;
public class Program
{
public static void Main()
{
int[] A = {0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10};
//factorials(A);
int[] B = {0,1,10,11,12,100,101,111,112,123,1000,1001,1011,1230,1234,2147483647,120,12000};
double[] expected = {1,1,1,1,2,1,2,1,3,6,1,3,3,18,24,302400,4,8};
var actual = setSimilarCounts(B);
Console.WriteLine("Test entries: {0}", string.Join(",", B));
Console.WriteLine("'Similar' counts: {0}", string.Join(",", actual));
for(int i=0;i<B.Length; i++){
if(expected[i] != actual[i]){
Console.WriteLine("\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tFAIL: Tested: {0} Expected: {1}, Actual: {2}", B[i], expected[i], actual[i]);
}
else{
Console.WriteLine("PASS : Tested: {0} Expected: {1}, Actual: {2}", B[i], expected[i], actual[i]);
}
}
}
public static double[] setSimilarCounts(int[] A){
var counts = new double[A.Length];
for(int i=0;i<A.Length; i++){
counts[i] = similarCount(A[i]);
}
return counts;
}
public static double similarCount(int a, bool useLeadingZeroExclusion = true){
const string strFormat = @"
value: {0},
stringValue.Length: {1}
zeroCount: {2}
distinctCharCount: {3}
distinctNonZeroCharCount: {4}
permutationsWithoutZeroRule: {5}";
var value = a;
var stringValue = value.ToString();
var stringLength = stringValue.Length;
var enumerableValue = stringValue.Cast<char>();
var zeroCount = enumerableValue.Count(c => c == '0');
var distinctChars = enumerableValue.Distinct();
var distinctCharCount = distinctChars.ToArray().Length;
var distinctNonZeroChars = distinctChars.Where(c => c!='0');
var distinctNonZeroCharCount = zeroCount > 0 ? distinctCharCount -1 : distinctCharCount;
var maxPermutations = factorial(stringLength);
if(distinctCharCount < 2 || (stringLength - zeroCount) == 1){
return 1;
}
if(value == 0 || stringLength == distinctNonZeroCharCount){
return maxPermutations;
}
double product = 1;
foreach(var c in distinctChars){
product *= factorial(enumerableValue.Count(chr => chr == c));
}
if(zeroCount == 0 || useLeadingZeroExclusion == false){
return maxPermutations / product;
}
var permutationsWithoutLeadingZeroRule = maxPermutations / product;
var indexOfFirstZero = stringValue.IndexOf('0');
var segmentFollowingLeadingZero = string.Join("", enumerableValue.Where((chr,i) => i != indexOfFirstZero).ToArray());
var similarCountOfSegment = similarCount(Convert.ToInt32(segmentFollowingLeadingZero), false);
var permutations = permutationsWithoutLeadingZeroRule - similarCountOfSegment;
/* Console.WriteLine(
string.Format(strFormat,
value,
stringValue.Length,
zeroCount,
distinctCharCount,
distinctNonZeroCharCount,
permutationsWithoutZeroRule
)
); */
return permutations;
}
public static void factorials(int[] A){
for(int i=0;i<A.Length; i++){
Console.WriteLine(
string.Format(
"value: {0}, value!: {1}", A[i], factorial(A[i])
)
);
}
}
public static double factorial(int a){
return a<2 ? 1 : a * factorial(a-1);
}
}
using System;
using System.Linq;
public class Program
{
public static void Main()
{
int[] A = {0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10};
//factorials(A);
int[] B = {0,1,10,11,12,100,101,111,112,123,1000,1001,1011,1230,1234,2147483647,120,12000};
double[] expected = {1,1,1,1,2,1,2,1,3,6,1,3,3,18,24,302400,4,8};
var actual = setSimilarCounts(B);
Console.WriteLine("Test entries: {0}", string.Join(",", B));
Console.WriteLine("'Similar' counts: {0}", string.Join(",", actual));
for(int i=0;i<B.Length; i++){
if(expected[i] != actual[i]){
Console.WriteLine("\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tFAIL: Tested: {0} Expected: {1}, Actual: {2}", B[i], expected[i], actual[i]);
}
else{
Console.WriteLine("PASS : Tested: {0} Expected: {1}, Actual: {2}", B[i], expected[i], actual[i]);
}
}
}
public static double[] setSimilarCounts(int[] A){
var counts = new double[A.Length];
for(int i=0;i<A.Length; i++){
counts[i] = similarCount(A[i]);
}
return counts;
}
public static double similarCount(int a, bool useLeadingZeroExclusion = true){
const string strFormat = @"
value: {0},
stringValue.Length: {1}
zeroCount: {2}
distinctCharCount: {3}
distinctNonZeroCharCount: {4}
permutationsWithoutZeroRule: {5}";
var value = a;
var stringValue = value.ToString();
var stringLength = stringValue.Length;
var enumerableValue = stringValue.Cast<char>();
var zeroCount = enumerableValue.Count(c => c == '0');
var distinctChars = enumerableValue.Distinct();
var distinctCharCount = distinctChars.ToArray().Length;
var distinctNonZeroChars = distinctChars.Where(c => c!='0');
var distinctNonZeroCharCount = zeroCount > 0 ? distinctCharCount -1 : distinctCharCount;
var maxPermutations = factorial(stringLength);
if(distinctCharCount < 2 || (stringLength - zeroCount) == 1){
return 1;
}
if(value == 0 || stringLength == distinctNonZeroCharCount){
return maxPermutations;
}
double product = 1;
foreach(var c in distinctChars){
product *= factorial(enumerableValue.Count(chr => chr == c));
}
if(zeroCount == 0 || useLeadingZeroExclusion == false){
return maxPermutations / product;
}
var permutationsWithoutLeadingZeroRule = maxPermutations / product;
var indexOfFirstZero = stringValue.IndexOf('0');
var segmentFollowingLeadingZero = string.Join("", enumerableValue.Where((chr,i) => i != indexOfFirstZero).ToArray());
var similarCountOfSegment = similarCount(Convert.ToInt32(segmentFollowingLeadingZero), false);
var permutations = permutationsWithoutLeadingZeroRule - similarCountOfSegment;
/* Console.WriteLine(
string.Format(strFormat,
value,
stringValue.Length,
zeroCount,
distinctCharCount,
distinctNonZeroCharCount,
permutationsWithoutZeroRule
)
); */
return permutations;
}
public static void factorials(int[] A){
for(int i=0;i<A.Length; i++){
Console.WriteLine(
string.Format(
"value: {0}, value!: {1}", A[i], factorial(A[i])
)
);
}
}
public static double factorial(int a){
return a<2 ? 1 : a * factorial(a-1);
}
}
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Writing Challenge - Day 8
I've been burning spare cycles -- and they've been few and far between today -- on the impermanence of things. A range of thoughts and emotions, from gratitude to simple recognition and acceptance to frustration have bubbled up. Through these reactions, I can see how impermanence is essential to change, whether we view the change as a loss, a gain or just something different to experience.
When I see loss, disappointment and frustration in impermanence I try to remember to be gentle and compassionate; try to find alternatives to defensiveness, resentment and anger that may be just a few steps away. I'm comforted in knowing that even when impermanence evokes uncomfortable thoughts and emotions, change -- especially change that serves me well -- cannot exist without it. Life doesn't exist without impermanence.
---
Large portions of my day were devoured by activities related to my job search. Much of it I found unrewarding and some of it was quite de-motivational. The worst bit was scoring extremely low on an assessment that a potential employer asked me to take in advance of a phone interview with the company. After receiving the score I found myself feeling embarrassed and facing thoughts of giving up and cancelling the interview tomorrow. Ugly stuff. I know there's still a chance that my performance on the assessment won't be of any great significance. (It wouldn't be the first assessment that I bombed and still came away from with a good interview experience...and even a job offer!) Though none of that helps me feel great about discussing my performance during the impending interview. Mustering the courage to be vulnerable sucks sometimes.
When I see loss, disappointment and frustration in impermanence I try to remember to be gentle and compassionate; try to find alternatives to defensiveness, resentment and anger that may be just a few steps away. I'm comforted in knowing that even when impermanence evokes uncomfortable thoughts and emotions, change -- especially change that serves me well -- cannot exist without it. Life doesn't exist without impermanence.
---
Large portions of my day were devoured by activities related to my job search. Much of it I found unrewarding and some of it was quite de-motivational. The worst bit was scoring extremely low on an assessment that a potential employer asked me to take in advance of a phone interview with the company. After receiving the score I found myself feeling embarrassed and facing thoughts of giving up and cancelling the interview tomorrow. Ugly stuff. I know there's still a chance that my performance on the assessment won't be of any great significance. (It wouldn't be the first assessment that I bombed and still came away from with a good interview experience...and even a job offer!) Though none of that helps me feel great about discussing my performance during the impending interview. Mustering the courage to be vulnerable sucks sometimes.
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Writing Challenge - Day 7
I came upon a light, and noticed how brightly and broadly it shines. Wild and warming, it spreads and reflects upon all it touches. Its energy is a gift to all who sense its radiance. Standing at its diffuse edge, feeling only a whisper of its full power, I'm filled with a sense of gratitude; honored to feel its glow upon my face.
My fearful and well-meaning thoughts tell me to soak it in -- this light will travel out of reach. It cannot be contained; you mustn't try. Love it for every lumen. Cherish every second it dances upon you, glinting and glimmering like laughter. Allow it to fill you, warm you, nourish you.
Others will receive more of the beacon's gaze. Love that too. Deny no one the joy of this shining star.
---
Focus inward, slow it down.
See beauty in simplicity.
Value gifts not wrapped in bows.
Take your time, it's yours to take.
---
dot arc compass ballerina chalk cue pocket square peg board room
--
Writing poetic and thoughtfully random stuff late at night isn't so terribly productive. So much effort, thinking, work, rework, thinking again and even more work goes into even short phrases. It's needlessly(?) torturous. I write to see what comes out of writing, yet so little comes out of writing something pretty and polished. Were I shooting for just a word count I think I would have started writing out lyrics to the songs that were cropping up in my head. I think I could have covered all of today and tomorrow with what I could recall from just one old school rap jam.
My fearful and well-meaning thoughts tell me to soak it in -- this light will travel out of reach. It cannot be contained; you mustn't try. Love it for every lumen. Cherish every second it dances upon you, glinting and glimmering like laughter. Allow it to fill you, warm you, nourish you.
Others will receive more of the beacon's gaze. Love that too. Deny no one the joy of this shining star.
---
Focus inward, slow it down.
See beauty in simplicity.
Value gifts not wrapped in bows.
Take your time, it's yours to take.
---
dot arc compass ballerina chalk cue pocket square peg board room
--
Writing poetic and thoughtfully random stuff late at night isn't so terribly productive. So much effort, thinking, work, rework, thinking again and even more work goes into even short phrases. It's needlessly(?) torturous. I write to see what comes out of writing, yet so little comes out of writing something pretty and polished. Were I shooting for just a word count I think I would have started writing out lyrics to the songs that were cropping up in my head. I think I could have covered all of today and tomorrow with what I could recall from just one old school rap jam.
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Writing Challenge - Day 6
It's been a beautifully lazy late fall Sunday. Not a moment have I stepped out into the near-freezing weather! Chores, coffee, and company filled my morning into afternoon. A simple but handcrafted dinner, sips from a bottle of DuClaw Brewing's "For Pete's Sake!" Imperial Chocolate Peanut Butter Porter and Chocolat on DVD rounded out the evening. A comfy blanket and the glimmering magic of bubble lights on my tiny holiday tree are my companions into late night.
Having my place in order enough to have company has been a real pleasure today! There's more to go but seeing and enjoying the progress is motivational. The trash treasure TV stand that I snagged yesterday is working out quite well, with some sweet swivel action to boot!
This building/neighborhood is pretty great for freecycling. A week or so ago I adopted a really nice, fully-functional, minorly-scuffed chest of drawers that a neighbor had forsaken. It was perfect for freeing up the bookcase that the previous owner left in the closet. And though I wasn't unemployed when I gave the dresser a new home, I certainly appreciate rescuing rather than buying the things that help me make my place more functional.
When I think back on my process of getting all my stuff sorted and settled it seems ridiculous that it's taken over 6 months to this point. And were it not for undesirable weather and unemployment I'm sure it would have been longer still! Ignoring the task the rewards of its completion was a lot easier with distractions and "more important" things in the way.
Having my place in order enough to have company has been a real pleasure today! There's more to go but seeing and enjoying the progress is motivational. The trash treasure TV stand that I snagged yesterday is working out quite well, with some sweet swivel action to boot!
This building/neighborhood is pretty great for freecycling. A week or so ago I adopted a really nice, fully-functional, minorly-scuffed chest of drawers that a neighbor had forsaken. It was perfect for freeing up the bookcase that the previous owner left in the closet. And though I wasn't unemployed when I gave the dresser a new home, I certainly appreciate rescuing rather than buying the things that help me make my place more functional.
When I think back on my process of getting all my stuff sorted and settled it seems ridiculous that it's taken over 6 months to this point. And were it not for undesirable weather and unemployment I'm sure it would have been longer still! Ignoring the task the rewards of its completion was a lot easier with distractions and "more important" things in the way.
Writing Challenge - Day 5
Settling in, falling into place.
Body at rest, mind still giving chase.
The space is looking livable, the place is nearing home.
Skin cooling, heels sighing in relief.
Boxes collapsed, related items gathered.
Everything has a home, even if only for now.
Breathing in, letting it go.
Enjoying the break, listening to stillness.
The day is at its end, the bed calls me sweetly.
---
excitement uncertainty desire familiarity discovery heat play vulnerability firsts feathers dough wetness surprises impulses intoxication longing anticipation hope anxiety curiosity honesty exploration music ambiance eyelashes straps magnetism fantasy serenade purity laughter freedom flow calm focus provocation communication stretching smiles frivolity teasing plans novelty creativity
---
Exciting times at The Astoria today! Alarm bells! Fire trucks! Confused and clueless residents in the fire lane! Too cold to gawk. Grab the evidence and seek shelter. Goof off and generally wait it out. No elevators?! Score a sweet curbside trash-treasure. Pack it away. Fetch the beer. Make the call. Get the mail. Get the email. No fire, no damage; a bad detector. Elevators restored! Get cracking. Go, go, go, and go some more. Organize, strategize, optimize. Enjoy.
---
I want to do it all! I wish for boundless energy; to sleep for pleasure rather than necessity. An insomniatic bliss of making and doing and being and feeling and living while the world is quiet. But my eyelids weigh down my vivid vision. My body betrays this dream state with its reality. I wind down, slow down, go down...
Body at rest, mind still giving chase.
The space is looking livable, the place is nearing home.
Skin cooling, heels sighing in relief.
Boxes collapsed, related items gathered.
Everything has a home, even if only for now.
Breathing in, letting it go.
Enjoying the break, listening to stillness.
The day is at its end, the bed calls me sweetly.
---
excitement uncertainty desire familiarity discovery heat play vulnerability firsts feathers dough wetness surprises impulses intoxication longing anticipation hope anxiety curiosity honesty exploration music ambiance eyelashes straps magnetism fantasy serenade purity laughter freedom flow calm focus provocation communication stretching smiles frivolity teasing plans novelty creativity
---
Exciting times at The Astoria today! Alarm bells! Fire trucks! Confused and clueless residents in the fire lane! Too cold to gawk. Grab the evidence and seek shelter. Goof off and generally wait it out. No elevators?! Score a sweet curbside trash-treasure. Pack it away. Fetch the beer. Make the call. Get the mail. Get the email. No fire, no damage; a bad detector. Elevators restored! Get cracking. Go, go, go, and go some more. Organize, strategize, optimize. Enjoy.
---
I want to do it all! I wish for boundless energy; to sleep for pleasure rather than necessity. An insomniatic bliss of making and doing and being and feeling and living while the world is quiet. But my eyelids weigh down my vivid vision. My body betrays this dream state with its reality. I wind down, slow down, go down...
Friday, December 9, 2016
Writing Challenge - Day 4
Today I'm thinking about procrastination. I'm a life-long procrastinator, and I've found that even for the bad rap that procrastination gets, it's been a useful strategy for me. It has helped me remain focused on more pressing matters, use my time efficiently, weed out busywork, and be more deliberate about what I 'do' in a society that's caught in the trap of believing that success is defined by how busy you are, or how many things you get done in a day.
Of course, to believe that procrastination has *always* served me well would be going too far. Sometimes it hasn't. Sometimes it's led to poor quality outcomes; sometimes it's led to high levels of stress. These times have been few, and in a certain light they've also supported efficiency. The poorer outcomes have not been good, and certainly not excellent, but they've been sufficient. The high level of stress sometimes induced via the procrastination serves as a motivator, and I can't recall any time that it rose to a level of intolerability.
A few months back I came across a TED talk on the topic of procrastination that I absolutely loved! I loved it most for the speaker's use of the 'Instant Gratification Monkey' concept. (I kinda love monkeys.) It was a really cute and effective mechanism for explaining the impetus behind procrastination. Another powerful concept that Tim Urban spoke of in the talk was the "Life Calendar". That's one that I'd forgotten about until I re-watched the talk today, and I might explore how I can use something like that...tomorrow, maybe.
Of course, to believe that procrastination has *always* served me well would be going too far. Sometimes it hasn't. Sometimes it's led to poor quality outcomes; sometimes it's led to high levels of stress. These times have been few, and in a certain light they've also supported efficiency. The poorer outcomes have not been good, and certainly not excellent, but they've been sufficient. The high level of stress sometimes induced via the procrastination serves as a motivator, and I can't recall any time that it rose to a level of intolerability.
A few months back I came across a TED talk on the topic of procrastination that I absolutely loved! I loved it most for the speaker's use of the 'Instant Gratification Monkey' concept. (I kinda love monkeys.) It was a really cute and effective mechanism for explaining the impetus behind procrastination. Another powerful concept that Tim Urban spoke of in the talk was the "Life Calendar". That's one that I'd forgotten about until I re-watched the talk today, and I might explore how I can use something like that...tomorrow, maybe.
Thursday, December 8, 2016
Writing Challenge - Day 3
Today is going to be a somewhat full one culminating in bluegrass, tasty pig parts and high-class hooch! A friend of mine scored us comp tickets to Washington City Paper's 4th Annual Bacon & Bourbon Whiskey Festival, and I'm pretty doubtful that I'll be in a mood to sit down and write after that. So it's time to make this experiment at least a 3-day streak!
---
Over the past few months I've been listening to a podcast, Art of Charm, that has captured my attention for its insights and interviews with intelligent and thoughtful guests. Not all of the episodes are mind-blowing, but more than occasionally they're worth listening to a couple of times. Episode 556 with Philip McKernan was one of the more thought-provoking episodes. McKernan's work is "uncovering people’s hidden and dormant gifts that have the ability to affect others".
One of the concepts addressed in this episode was the notion that in our efforts to succeed in life, business, etc, we can wind up running from the things we don't want and as a result be also inadvertently moving farther from what we do want. An example McKernan gave was growing up poor and expending tons of energy escaping from and continuing to run from poverty, only to find that you're actually getting further away from helping to end the poverty from which you came and others remain.
That led me to really think about what my answer would be to the question, "What are you running from?" This is a question that I'm still mulling over, but one thing clearly comes to mind: situations/people that demand surrender of autonomy. This one definitely seems to fit. I can see how running from this can seem to be at odds with attaining the greater senses of trust, connection, belonging, and teamwork that I also seek.
I suspect that thoughts down this sort of line will continue to occupy brain space into the not too distant future. Maybe something will even come out of it!
---
Over the past few months I've been listening to a podcast, Art of Charm, that has captured my attention for its insights and interviews with intelligent and thoughtful guests. Not all of the episodes are mind-blowing, but more than occasionally they're worth listening to a couple of times. Episode 556 with Philip McKernan was one of the more thought-provoking episodes. McKernan's work is "uncovering people’s hidden and dormant gifts that have the ability to affect others".
One of the concepts addressed in this episode was the notion that in our efforts to succeed in life, business, etc, we can wind up running from the things we don't want and as a result be also inadvertently moving farther from what we do want. An example McKernan gave was growing up poor and expending tons of energy escaping from and continuing to run from poverty, only to find that you're actually getting further away from helping to end the poverty from which you came and others remain.
That led me to really think about what my answer would be to the question, "What are you running from?" This is a question that I'm still mulling over, but one thing clearly comes to mind: situations/people that demand surrender of autonomy. This one definitely seems to fit. I can see how running from this can seem to be at odds with attaining the greater senses of trust, connection, belonging, and teamwork that I also seek.
I suspect that thoughts down this sort of line will continue to occupy brain space into the not too distant future. Maybe something will even come out of it!
Writing Challenge - Day 2
Today's been a bit of a rough one. The gravity of my sudden unemployment is starting to weigh upon me. Rather than seeing the unexpected turn of events as a pivot point and potential door to newfound opportunity like I was able to do yesterday, this morning I awoke to remnants of anxiety dreams about the newly old job. The same happened again when I woke from a late-afternoon nap that I didn't have the emotional strength to successfully fend off. At both times it was a struggle to bring myself back to the present; stop thinking about the past. I was frustrated with my unconscious mind for allowing the processing it needs to do to seep into consciousness. I did a less than great job of showing myself compassion for the difficulty in leaving the ruminations behind and coming back to present. I know intellectually that this is not *supposed* to be easy, and yet... And yet.
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Yesterday I started thinking more about how I currently relate to goals and challenges, and how that has changed. The 'when' and 'why' questions surrounding this are ones that don't have clear answers. Perhaps I've become more thoughtful, more deliberate in examining the intent and motivation behind my potential choice to take up a challenge. Perhaps I've become more cautious and fearful. Perhaps I've become less easily inspired to action, in general. It could have been happening so slowly and gradually that it was practically imperceptible. Maybe it happened all at once, years ago, and forgot to announce itself.
This change, from being a kid who loved competition and challenge to an older adult who isn't compelled to compete or take up a challenge arbitrarily, feels unidirectional. But is it? Have I permanently discarded something that no longer serves me, or am I only journeying through a period in which I'm less easily provoked? I can't say.
On the question of whether I, as a kid, had ever really achieved and attained goals for the purpose of receiving external validation and approval, my guess is: not much, if at all. I know well that I rarely hear voices of validation and approval -- regardless of whether they're external or internal. My inner critic / misguided internal guardian works pretty tirelessly to ensure I hear none of that. Hearing that kind of thing just inflates the ego, making it annoyingly prideful and leaving less room for the critic-guardian to keep the self in check. I'm curious to know what kind of "monster" I could create by retiring that critic-guardian...or at least sending it on a vacation.
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This change, from being a kid who loved competition and challenge to an older adult who isn't compelled to compete or take up a challenge arbitrarily, feels unidirectional. But is it? Have I permanently discarded something that no longer serves me, or am I only journeying through a period in which I'm less easily provoked? I can't say.
On the question of whether I, as a kid, had ever really achieved and attained goals for the purpose of receiving external validation and approval, my guess is: not much, if at all. I know well that I rarely hear voices of validation and approval -- regardless of whether they're external or internal. My inner critic / misguided internal guardian works pretty tirelessly to ensure I hear none of that. Hearing that kind of thing just inflates the ego, making it annoyingly prideful and leaving less room for the critic-guardian to keep the self in check. I'm curious to know what kind of "monster" I could create by retiring that critic-guardian...or at least sending it on a vacation.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Writing Challenge - Day 1
Over dinner tonight and after quite a lot of discussion of new, not-so-expected beginnings, a new friend challenged me to make a daily habit of writing -- 250 words per day. It's a small enough goal that only the regularity of it makes it a challenge. Routine, repetition, consistency and deliberate formation of habit all feel like a de-motivational grind to me. But being that it's an easily manageable size and and is likely to be of benefit to me, I've decided to give it a go.
For as much as I can find myself wistfully wishing I will someday do things like write a book or participate in NaNoWriMo (http://nanowrimo.org/), I simply don't write enough for it to be anything more than a pleasant thought. Writers write. That's a truth that's not so fun for me to face. So, I'm going to write, regularly, for as long as I can keep it up, and keep an eye on how it's feeling for me. Will I be just bearing it for the sake of meeting the challenge; simply getting the writing done? At times perhaps I will, but if that's the norm I suspect this experiment will end before I've developed any sort of writing habit. Will it inspire more writing? Will it make writing flow more freely from me? I hope so, on both accounts.
I'm sure I'll be unlikely to keep up with the challenge if my motivation is based more on a desire to merely meet the challenge than anything deeper, but it's interesting to reflect on how much I've changed in that regard. I can remember a time when I was easily motivated by challenges; when the drive for a sense of accomplishment was, by itself, enough to motivate me to achieve. What happened between then and now? Did I run out of people to impress? Did I stop caring about impressing others? (Yeah, surely some of this, I think.) Was I ever really achieving and attaining goals just for the recognition or approval of others? Has the importance or nature of self-recognition or self-approval changed?
These questions about my relationship to goals and achievement are starting to seem like a good topic for Day 2!
For as much as I can find myself wistfully wishing I will someday do things like write a book or participate in NaNoWriMo (http://nanowrimo.org/), I simply don't write enough for it to be anything more than a pleasant thought. Writers write. That's a truth that's not so fun for me to face. So, I'm going to write, regularly, for as long as I can keep it up, and keep an eye on how it's feeling for me. Will I be just bearing it for the sake of meeting the challenge; simply getting the writing done? At times perhaps I will, but if that's the norm I suspect this experiment will end before I've developed any sort of writing habit. Will it inspire more writing? Will it make writing flow more freely from me? I hope so, on both accounts.
I'm sure I'll be unlikely to keep up with the challenge if my motivation is based more on a desire to merely meet the challenge than anything deeper, but it's interesting to reflect on how much I've changed in that regard. I can remember a time when I was easily motivated by challenges; when the drive for a sense of accomplishment was, by itself, enough to motivate me to achieve. What happened between then and now? Did I run out of people to impress? Did I stop caring about impressing others? (Yeah, surely some of this, I think.) Was I ever really achieving and attaining goals just for the recognition or approval of others? Has the importance or nature of self-recognition or self-approval changed?
These questions about my relationship to goals and achievement are starting to seem like a good topic for Day 2!
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